absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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