; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
