my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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