I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
