Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
