I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
