after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
