considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
