Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
