he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
