I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
