I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
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