Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
