He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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