Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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