If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
