I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
