just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
