We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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