So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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