mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
