if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you traded sex for a burrito?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
