I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
