I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
