dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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