Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Randomize
