and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
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I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
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when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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