Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
