He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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