The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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