she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
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