The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
