You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
