Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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