My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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