PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
