yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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