My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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