Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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