Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
