He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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