Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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