oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
