i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize