Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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