Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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