i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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