If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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