Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
