Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
