the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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