Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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