someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
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