Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
