Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
