In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
