This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
